One of the most sacred and biggest undertakings and the one with the most serious effect on the lives of nations and individuals, is the formation of what is called “The family establishment”, the outcome of which -and over the extended centuries-is the thriving of thousands of human generations which might be the product of a single marriage, like the billions of people who had lived on the face of earth as a blessing of the first marriage between our parents Adam and Eve. In addition, how often the decaying of the relationship between a specific couple-and the consequent deficient upbringing-had resulted in the corruption of a completely human generation, which necessitated some of the historical disasters, and how often history has recorded some of these disasters! Hence, it is not heretical that we propagandize the necessity of establishing of specialized -read or heard-courses to learn the riddles of this sacred and in the same time complex, relationship. And it is known that the secrets of the marriage of two dissimilar souls are not realized except by scrupulous observation, which the couple might not be aware of until after it is too late and after things are out of control, by the decaying of the relationship between the couple on one side and between them and the children on the other. Hence, it is necessary to transfer the wrong and the right experiences in addition to what is learned from the Tradition to fortify the bonds of that noble life…And to the owners of that “Happy establishment”, I present these points.
1. The reality of marriage
It must be taken into consideration that marriage in fact is the intermarriage of the souls, not just the bodies. For the Quranic verse deduces that the goal is the “Reposing” and what is “Set” is the “Love and mercy”, and it does not discuss the physical relationship in a direct way, although the satisfying of the instinctive (sexual) side is also a cause of reposing. From this it becomes known that the spiritual intermarriage needs a special kind of maturity, and not attaining the stage of spiritual majority and maturity in this connection might be a cause of the relapsing of the marital life even when committed to some of the external indications of the Shariah, because the conventional religious commitment may not inevitably accompany the stage of majority and awareness of the details of marital life. And the books that deal with the Tradition have devoted large sections to discussing the value of ! the mind, which is the resource for majority and maturity, in man’s nearness to Allah and even his success in this world and the hereafter.
2- The wife is needed for many things
The wife is usually needed for many things like having sexual pleasure, housekeeping, reproduction and the company and relaxation. And it is known that the vigour of the first decreases with age and the gradual “setting” of beauty or the man’s finding of another woman, other than his wife, whom he can have pleasure with. As for the second, other people can do it, and as for the third, it has a time span which ends by menopause or the husband’s abandonment of reproduction. And as for the fourth, it may lose its glitter through repetition and monotony, for “Every new thing looks fair”. Hence, a new element must be added, like feeling the responsibility towards the subjects and that Allah has entrusted the husband for the wife and that he is responsible for her till the end of life, rather till the Day of Judgement when one is called upon {And halt them to be questioned}. And it is related that the! Prophet (S.A.W.) had said “The one who will be seated nearest to me on the Day of Resurrection, is the most courteous between you, and I am the most courteous amongst you to my family”.
3. Eternity of the marital life
It must be firmly believed that for the believer, the marital life does not end by the ending of the lifetime, rather, the righteous woman joins the husband with her children (if they are righteous too) in Paradise and that is according to Allah’s saying:{Gardens of Eden which they shall enter; and those who were righteous of their fathers and their wives, and their seed}, and also:{Those who believed, and their seed followed them in belief, we shall join their seed with them}. This sense of continuity, even eternity of the marital life with its prerequisites, generously allots to the marital life a bond that does not break with the progression of time and years.
4.Allah’s blessing to the marital life
One of the most important factors in the spiritual attraction between the couple-in additions to their endeavour to bring about reasons for that attraction-is Allah’s blessing to their relationship. That is why Allah attributes the composing of the differences to Himself when both of the couple have the desire to set things right, as in His saying: {And if they desire to set things right, Allah will compose their differences}. For this reason, the practical straightness in daily life-inside the marital house and outside it-necessitates Allah’s mercy upon them with what it entails of intimacy and stability of the marital life.
5.The faith, not the person
It is necessary that each one of the couple looks on to the faith, not the person in the other because the absence of the human watcher inside the house and being alone most of the time, prepares the ground for assault and exceeding of the limits, for the awareness of the divine watching necessitates the adherence to the limits and restrictions even if the human watcher is absent, and Allah has emphasized this state of watching by saying: {And Allah hears the two of you conversing together}.
6. Restricting the woman’s movements
It is better-even obligatory in some cases-to restricts the woman’s activities, especially if they require suspicious interaction with men, as she might lose her dedication to what is more important and closer to her, the husband’s and children’s affairs. And in some cases she might even lose her femininity through constant close contact with men, which we clearly see in some mixed environments, especially with the weakness of the religious deterrent. And we should not forget that “Necessities have their own laws” except that they should not be overestimated.
7.The lasting and the changing in happiness
It ought to be emphasized that the lasting and the effective factors in the couple’s happiness is the religious commitment and the morals, for they are the two moving elements in regulating the relation between the couple, rather they are the two reviving elements which are not marked as obsolete or old. As for beauty, it is a relative matter, the eyes get used to its varying degrees. Hence, what is needed is an acceptable degree of harmony in the outside appearance, and there is no doubt that going after marriage on religious basis is what necessitates Allah’s blessing to that sacred union, as it is observed in different experiences.
8.The good-looking woman and the beautiful woman
It ought to be differentiated between the internal attractiveness (which has equations not clearly known) and the external attractiveness. That is why they differentiate between the beautiful and the good-looking woman. And it is known that the first is a kind of charm based on the internal qualities which, if thoroughly present in someone, Allah the Almighty would cast his or her love in others’ hearts, as witnessed by the psychic forces.
9. Analogy of education
There is no objection to the marriage if the couple were exactly or nearly the same age with some analogy in education and knowledge, for it is noted that the wide difference in the education and knowledge levels of the couple is of the things which induce disturbance in the marital life because of the absence of a common language between them, which deepens the gap with the tiniest provocative in the marital life.
10.“The ruins’ green crop”
It is necessary to consider the expression “The ruins’ green crop” present in the Tradition (by the Prophet), which means; The good-looking woman in the bad medium, because the family medium plays a vital role in the woman’s conduct before marriage and after it as the unconscious influence of the parents in children’s lives is undeniable even during the very early years, just imagine how much more it is during adolescence and adulthood!
11.Choosing the generation’s tutor
“Choose (a suitable bearer) for your sperm-drops because blood will tell”. Therefore, for the welfare of the generations that will come out of the marriage, it is necessary to precisely choose the woman who is the tutor for the coming generations. Accordingly, it is necessary to look on to the wife as the tutor of one’s own blood. And the husband’s love for his descendants-which is a genuine instinctive matter-necessitates the right selection of the woman who will raise this progeny, which is considered a kind of an ongoing almsgiving after death.
12.The guardianship of the husband
The guardianship of the husband does not mean the unrestricted monopoly and arbitrariness in running of the family’s affairs, for the absolute rule is for Allah The Almighty and whomsoever He appoints. Therefore, the husband must-as an authorized custodian but not as an absolute ruler-use, that authority within the vision of the Shariah as it is presented in the jurisprudence books, which is to the couple’s advantage that they refer to.
13.Transfer of genetic qualities
Some of the moral qualities are transferred in a compulsory way exactly as the physical qualities do. Hence, paying attention to this point makes one careful in choosing a good plantation in which there is a few of these negative hereditary qualities, and it is said that drinking alcohol for example, has an effect on generations to come.
14.Reasons of early divorce
Some of the qualities that speed up the occurrence of marital problems and divorce are: Hot temperament, hasty judgment, not feeling the necessity for ritual worshipping, not being content with what Allah has apportioned and envy and desiring what others own.
15.The capability not the wealth
What is important in a husband is his capability and competence to earn a living. And beyond that, the actual wealth is not important because The Almighty Allah has guarantied, among other things, enriching the couple, and that is in His saying:{If they are poor, Allah will enrich them of His bounty}.
16.Keeping away from sources of tension
Social relationships ought to be kept clear of blemishes especially regarding relatives of the couple and that is because of the natural presence-in some cases-of the grounds for disagreements, as sometimes seen between the husband’s relatives on one side and the wife on the other, for these tense relations are a source of constant disturbance in the marital life, and how often it lead to dismantling of the marital establishment, especially with the fighting and the nervousness.
17.Avoiding the time of rage
One of the times in which Satan overpowers the couple is the time of rage. In this situation-which is not uncommon in a marriage-the couple should avoid taking any decision, making any action or statement that deepens the flaw between them causing grudge and hatred even if they become reconciled with one another afterwards.
18.Effects of divorce
Threatening to divorce, when the crisis between the couple aggravates, should never be thought of let alone said by one of the parties. For seeing divorce as the only way out, is not consented to by the mind or the Shariah, and it has seldom yielded rest and relief of distress, especially when the consequences of this state are reflected upon the children, in addition to the aggravation of the psychological state of the couple even after divorce because this long history of intimacy-with all its happiness and sadness-is something that is not omitted by two words said in front of two equitable witnesses (of divorce).
19.Avoidance of public disagreement
Disputing and showing of private marital disagreements in the family medium, whether it was in the presence of the relatives or the children, must be avoided, because the perception, by the children, of the lack of stability in their parents’ lives, is one of the things that shake the sense of security in the future. Add to that the pervasion of the unconscious reaction to the complications of these disputes in the their lives in the future. As also the showing of the disagreements in front of relatives, is something that necessitates some humility to either of them, one that is not consoled even by apologizing.
20.Dispute takes away the concentration
The preoccupation of the mind with the worries and family disputes robs the mind of the state of concentration on other vital issues like serving the believers, guiding the ignorant, following up the children’s school performance and ritual worshipping and doing what will be the provision in his long and lonely journey which has always troubled the minds of men possessed of minds, for endearing to Allah needs an environment devoid of blemishes and troubles, especially those which drive the couple into committing vices like backbiting, slander and obscene language.
21.Arbitrating the Shariah
The couple ought to make the Shariah the judge regarding the disagreement between them, they do not have the choice afterwards, and this is the meaning of The Almighty’s saying: {Until they make Thee the arbitrator between them}. Moreover, it is well known that the lack of this arbitration makes the couple live in an unending whirlpool, because if they do not accept the Shariah as the arbitrator, what is then?!
22.The husband’s securing of the cost of living.
The wife has to take into account the fact that the husband’s duty is to secure the expenses of the marital house and this in turn necessitates on many occasions entering the life’s battleground and bearing the worries of making a living with its disturbances and agonies. Therefore, the wife must take into account that this effort must be rewarded through respect and preparation of a happy environment, and also the husband must take into account that the wife alone carries the burden of pregnancy and giving birth to the child who belongs to both of both.
23.The woman’s making up for the man
The making up of the woman to the husband, and mastering of her marital duties, is one of the elements which attract the husband towards what Allah Has made permissible and hence keeping him away from the forbidden alternatives, and the same applies to the husband who usually does not see himself obliged to make up for the wife, as if that is exclusive to women.
24.Discussion of issues
It is recommended to specify a day or a night time to discuss family issues in a quite and objective way, away from tension and imposing of opinions, for the wife has an opinion as does the husband and it is better to reconcile the differing opinions when it is possible to keep away from the negatives of the imposing of opinion.
25.The husband’s role in guidance
The husband has an important role in bidding unto good conduct and forbidding unto bad conduct because of his distinctive place inside the family. Moreover, he must not forget this role, which the Quran urges to practice through Allah’s saying: {And bid thy family to pray, and be thou patient in it}.
26.Discipline is for the benefit of the couple
Adherence of the couple to the codes of Shariah concerning looking at and talking to other women, and also the wife’s adherence to avoidance of exciting behaviour to other men, enforces the integrity of marriage. For how many times the freeing of oneself from the religious restraints, on both sides, necessitated falling into sins which is equivalent to dealing a fatal blow to the marital life.
27.Not expecting idealism
The husband must not expect the wife to be ideal and the reverse applies, because no one knows everything except Allah and just as the husband did not marry the ideal wife, likewise the wife did not marry the ideal husband. Hence, one of them might meet, in the course of his or her life someone who is better for himself(or herself), but that does not at all mean that one desires what is not meant for him.
28.Rules of conduct before and after marriage
It is recommended that the couple observe the rules of conduct stated in the Shariah before intercourse, during coitus and after conception, at delivery and even during nursing, because these rules have major effects on the future ethical upbringing of the newborn.
29.The wife’s providence
The wife’s good management of the house’s needs, will spare the husband a lot of financial consequences, add to that the avoiding of extravagance and squandering which have afflicted affluent societies, both of which are among the major causes of the deprivation of blessings.
30.Not delaying apology
The human being is a frequent maker of mistakes, not impeccable by nature, male and female alike. Therefore, what is important in a couple’s relationship is that each one of them hurries to make the suitable apology when an intended or an unintended offence is done, and there is no doubt that the divine forgiveness follows clearing of the injustices done to others, as also hurting the creature-in some cases-hurts The Creator, which results in Allah’s cursing in this world and in the hereafter.
31.Not admonishing while in a state of anger
Admonishing and guiding while in a state of anger is futile, rather it might make the admonished more ferocious and headstrong. Hence, there is no meaning in admonishing during the state of anger and rage, of either or both of the couple. Furthermore, some of the passages (from the Tradition) have excepted from forbidding unto bad conduct in front of the scourge-holder.
32.Presentation is a commendable norm
Presentation deepens the state of love and intimacy between the couple. For how nice it is for either of them to present the other with something that suits the specific occasion! Moreover, there is no doubt that looking at that present-especially if it is kept as a memory for them-renews the feelings that surrounded that occasion and that presentation.
33.Spending on accessories
Some wives developed a habit of spending a significant amount of the husband’s money on what is considered accessories of clothing and furniture and what is not considered a necessity of life. Conflict may start if the wife insists on having something the husband objects to. Is it logical then for the couple to disturb their lives for the sake of an accessory or an ornament of life? Hence, what is suitable is the acceptable amount of ornament in different affairs of life.
34.Content with what Allah Has apportioned
The wife’s aspiration to a standard of living, which is higher than her class and beyond her husband’s capabilities, prevents her from living the state of gratitude for the blessings she is enjoying. Hence, the couple who fear for themselves the pervasion of the state of ingratitude in their being, must avoid associating with those whose friendship necessitate that state, let alone keeping away from those whose friendship leads to the spoiling of the religious commitment and demoralization, and how often a single relation has brought woes to a marriage which ended in nothing but separation.
35.Immigration to the countries of infidelity
Immigrating to the countries of infidelity is not permitted when it is not deemed necessary. It might even be forbidden if it necessitates a deviation in belief or actions, equally so for couple or their children, and there is no doubt that the generation which will be brought up in these corrupt environments, is in danger of relinquishing religion itself let alone the deviation in conduct, and we have heard about some dynasties which relinquished Islam because of making the wrong decision regarding choosing the home country, in a wish to obtain the vanities of this world.
36.Recreating the wife
The consuming of the wife’s time in the management of home affairs, confined to four walls, makes her a little bit bored and feeling annoyed and uneasy, contrary to the husband who has a large space to move within. Hence, it is just treatment that the husband introduces a sense of change and recreation to his wife as for example in travelling to one of the sacred places or making a short but aiming journey free from ill consequences and vices.
37.Self-Education
The availability of an audio library and the like of useful books and magazines, provides a good opportunity for educating the couple-by themselves-during spare time, especially with the failure of the public media to secure useful education, or even-in some cases-their contribution to the dismantling of a marriage by showing what leads the couple to a sinful world that is suitable for each one of them.
38.Watching family visits
Restraints of the Shariah must be observed during family visits. Suspicious mixing and the notorious interaction between teenagers must be prevented, especially with the presence of the opposite sex, because these are the best times for the planting of seeds of corruption in all its dimensions.
39.Keeping the marital secrets
The couple has to safeguard the secrets of their marital life during the height of their dispute and breach. For many of the negatives exposed by one of the couple cause degradation to both or one of them, something to which Allah does not consent regarding His servants, and it is known that the feelings which result from such a degradation and insult may stand in the way of reconciliation and harmony.
40.Jealousy and distrust
One of the constant causes of troubles between the couple is the unjustified- except by being possessed by delusions, which avail nought against truth-jealousy and the unnecessary distrust on either side, and what is important first and last in this field is the arbitrating of the Shariah regarding what it permitted and what it forbade, even if it differs from the inclination of either or both of them. For the one who holds the rein of power in His hands regarding forbidding and permitting, is The Owner of this existence, and is there anyone who has the ability to dispute with Allah regarding His power and rule?!
A supplication O Allah, we ask You by Your most beloved Names and Creatures:- To cast in our hearts love and mercy.- Not to give Satan an authority over us or our descendants.- To apportion to us of your awe what stands between us and committing vices.- To make us content with what You apportioned to us of livelihood.- And to deliver us from misguiding trials, the outward and the inward.